Personal Post Alert! My Experience With Postpartum Depression That I Definitely Wasn't Expecting
Let me preface you with this, my experience with postpartum depression (PPD) happened with my firstborn, which is now 8 years ago. It seems that now PPD is talked about more than it was even then, but I still don’t think it is talked about enough. I don’t think enough mamas share their experience (due to feeling embarrassed, pride, or just feeling too weak), but I think they need to help new mamas know it is ok to rise up from it and get help.
So today, I’m sharing my story with you.
My oldest was born on Black Friday, right in the thick of the chaos of the holidays. I had been feeling a bit anxious prior to the birth for a month or two, but I figured it was the normal we-are-having-a-baby-and-don’t-know-what-we-are-doing type of thing. Also, hello pregnancy hormones, am I right?
So we had our sweet baby girl, and she was beautiful and precious and we were in love with her from the get-go. The normal baby blues hit, again hormones all over the place, and life with a newborn = lack of sleep. I was struggling with nursing and getting a supply of milk and I felt devastated by this. I remember calling one of my good friends who had successfully nursed all three of her babies and I just sobbed on the phone to her that this was so hard and it wasn’t working (insert ugly-cry here). I had honestly envisioned breastfeeding to look like a beautiful moment between mother and baby, while the mom just gazes down at her baby peacefully as she is feeding. You know those posters you see at the OB/GYN that show that? Yeah, they really need to update those, but I digress.
I also struggled with my husband going back to work. I felt so isolated and alone. By around 3pm everyday, I started to dread the nighttime already, just knowing how exhausting it was going to be and that I’d be up all night. By 5pm when my husband would get home from work, a lot of the time I would be crying and just feel an overall sadness.
Another time I remember visiting family (our families all live 1-2.5 hours away), being so exhausted, and in the kitchen crying while I washed all the bottles from the day before we were going to have to drive back home after visiting for the day.
There were a lot of tears from me, a feeling of being overwhelmed and bored all at once, and just sad. Now looking back, I feel like I got robbed from those happy memories with my newborn.
In all honesty, my husband and I did not realize what I was going through wasn’t “normal” for a new mom.
After about 6 months, I saw that Troy Beaumont Hospital was holding a Postpartum Adjustment Support Group. I was so nervous to go, but I finally realized I needed help and had to do something. When I went, we had to sign in and I was so embarrassed I didn’t even want to write my name down. I didn’t want anyone to know I went or that I wasn’t “strong enough” to handle this on my own. But I did, and the group was amazing. It had moms with children of varying ages, and some had been going to the group for over a year. So I went back. And I went back again. I started to feel better talking through this with others who had experienced the same thing as me.
One mama had shared that she was on the other side of “it.” She had overcome postpartum depression and was doing well. PPD didn’t last forever, and it didn’t HAVE to last forever. It was temporary. The fact that she shared her story and the light at the end of the tunnel gave me hope.
She was right, and I was going to be alright. After around 8 months and getting help, I was feeling like myself again.
I hope that sharing my story will help another mama out of that dark place. Please know that if you are struggling with PPD, you can and should get help. Reach out to your doctor, and do not feel embarrassed. It isn’t anything you did wrong or could prevent or aren’t doing right. If nothing else, reach out to a close friend, or even to me to talk. I would be happy to chat with you and show you support. I have been where you are, mama.
xo,
Chelsie
Random side note: I didn’t experience PPD with my second baby and gosh, it was an entirely different experience.
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Chelsie Maurer is a professional photographer specializing in Maternity, Newborn and Family sessions in Metro Detroit and surrounding areas. Her photography studio is located Downtown Utica, Michigan.